Colour :-)

It's so amazing how small things can add so much colour and zing to your life!!!

I got these teeny weeny balls form the market (size=ant :P). You just have to soak them in water for some time and voila...they become like oversized peas. It's so much fun to play with them. Trust me..I've gone completely topsy turvy over them!!! I've also clicked a few pics:

Ain't they cute??!!!! What next...gift it to anyone and see them turn into a child :-)

Don't believe me??? I got them for my Mom :P

Thinking....

You know…I’ve been thinking (thinking and thinking!!) over the last couple of days. Now the big question is…what am I thinking?

I’ve never felt so silly in my life. My minds a complete blank. It simply keeps on wandering from one situation to another and from one person to another. And it is not one particular thing I’m thinking about, its like having ‘n’ number of thoughts at the same time. Why can’t I just be normal…think normal…behave normal???

And I suddenly realise..I’m not able to pen down my thoughts coz my mind is in a complete mess. Its too preoccupied with vague and senseless things (not even ones that I would mention here). Probably I should try meditation. Probably I should go to sleep…ummm…here I go again. So many thoughts in my birdie brain. Where do they come from??

And the after effects: I am becoming so irritable (is it lack of sleep?) and keep getting into arguments with anybody I lay my hands on…I feel I’m sounding like a witch now :( Did I tell anyone I’m not completing my 8 hours of beauty sleep?? Leave 8 hours, I hardly sleep for 4 or 5 hours. Its nearly 12 and I’m still awake thinking about…ummm…just thinking.

Goddd…sometimes I think I’m in the middle of a dream…as if people around me don’t exist (coz half the time I’m not paying attention to them :P). It’s like I’m frozen, need some time to get back to my normal self, see what I’m doing and to think why am I doing it!!!

I think that’s enough of thinking. Probably I should catch on some sleep. I hardly have 5 hours left with me as it’s a working day tomorrow :(

Saturdays should not be working. Period.

Bad Luck??!!!

I often wonder...is bad luck really that common??? Maybe some people are destined to bad luck..they fall into traps often..maybe I'm one of them. Or, maybe I'm the one!!!

A silly thought crossed my mind, forcing me to jot down a couple of points to validate my argument:

• Why does it happen that I travel all the way for a meeting and that meeting gets cancelled?
• Why is that they're always a car parked infront of my car and I just have to keep waiting for the other guy to remove it?
• Why is it so that I come face to face to the only person I'm avoiding...does it ever happen with you?
• Why is it that I keep on falling and tripping over 'visible' things?
• THE word is there..in your mind..big and bright..but when you want to say it...it doesnt come out..wat should I say?ummmmm...FORGOT!
• I feel sooo sleepy at times and when I try to sleep..I just can't sleep!!!..means why???
• Feel like talking to a friend..call all your friends and no one picks my call :-(
• Being caught up in silly (and funny situations)..making me more sillier or probably the silliest...WHY MEEE????
• I just keep on forgetting important things (do I have amnesia???)..and here I mean important things..which I never forget..now I just FORGET :-(..means calling up a friend and getting to know its her birthday..sounds bad na??
  

The list is endless....but now that I'm so used to it by now (and so are my friends..they know me so well :P)...I simply keep on smiling at these silly billy things...making me look even more stupid..and I actually can't help thinking...is my GOOD LUCK also BAD???

Confused!!!

Confused...ya..thats the current state of my mind. I'm confused about everything..the people who are in my life and also the people who arent..Confused about my future..about my profession..Confused,Confused and simply Confused!!! Was just thinking of writing something though I had had stopped writing years back...and found that my mind was completely blank. So I decided that I should just go out for a stroll which was a better option than typing and then deleting.

There's a small park just infront of my house where there are all sorts of swings..I found two small girls playing in the mud. They looked at me straight in the eye (an innocence which I cannot forget) and said, "Didi..aap hamari mummy ko to nahi bataoge ki hum mitti me khel rahe hain?". Her question made me laugh and for a moment I forgot all my worries and tensions. I replied as sweetly as I could, "Nahi bataungi..aap khelo". I looked at them. They were trying to make mud houses. Their hands were completely brown with mud but to look at them play was such a beautiful sight. I kept standing there..wondering what to say next. "Didi..aap kheloge hamare saath?" came the next question. I closed my eyes and visualised those days when I used to act in the same manner and come back home immersed in mud from head to toe. I said,"Nahi..aap khelo". I could see that they both were trying to make mud houses but were not able to. I instructed to add more water in the mud to which they readily agreed. I could see the excitement in their eyes as they completed their task. But the next moment their eyes were filled with dismay. I asked them, "Kya hua?" to which they replied, "Hum aise ghar nahi jaa sakte. Mummy dantegi. Hamaara paani bhi khatam ho gaya. Ab hum haath kaise dhoyenge?". I smiled at them and said, "Chalo mere saath". I took them to my place. Mom was surprised to see two small children accompanying me. I made them wash their small hands and asked whether they would be interested in having cookies to which they readily agreed. Just before leaving, one of them turned around and said, "Didi..aap bahut acchhe ho". I just couldnt stop smiling.

It is the best compliment I've ever received. Even though for some time, those chweet girls helped me in forgetting all my tensions and worries and I wished from the bottom of my heart to be one of them.

Shattered Pieces...

Inside my sleeve, I pull out my heart,
handing it to you, "careful it's fragile,
and easily falls apart."

Extending your arms, you take the heart in
your tender warm hands.
It falls into a million shattered pieces - on
the floor it lands.

You begin to bend down to pick it up, sorrow and
sadness in your eyes.

Apologies are not enough.

Looking at you with tears in my eyes,
I ask you not to pick up the pieces of a heart
that has fallen apart.

I am the one who needs to pick up the pieces of
my shattered heart - one by one, piece by piece.

I need to put it together again, some how. some way.

Each piece of my heart has a memory so true.
Each piece of my heart has part of you.

You are the one who is leaving to start a new lease on life.
I'll just be here on my knees picking up the pieces of a
heart that feels like it's being pierced with a knife.

All my tears won't keep you near
All my tears won't mend what's not here.

Again I look at you with a whisper in my voice,
The only way my heart will mend and finally be complete,
is if you and I can come together without being discreet.
You see, what we have here and today, helps me face the
world, with a love for you that gives a glow -
but now, my darling, you made a choice.

My heart is on this floor,
shattered and broke.
With each piece I pick up -
I need to learn to let go.

To Watch You Leaving

To Watch You Leaving . . .
is to know such pain, it's jagged edges tearing into my soul. As a stake from the garden tears into the warm, dark earth.
To Watch You Leaving . . .
knowing all the while that never again will I fit myself, warm with sleep, against your solid back. Nor hear your steady breathing. Or feel the beating of your heart.
To Watch You Leaving . . .
aware in every moment of every day that my dreams, my future; once tied with silken ribbons to yours, will never come to be.
And the mornings once so silent and hopeful, us gazing at the mountains and so gently awaiting forever - are now but small pieces of my past.
To Watch You Leaving . . .
your heart a tight fist of anger and your dry eyes betraying nothing of you.
I cry for both of us, my love, because you will not.
To Watch You Leaving . . .
is to know that I've lost my place on this earth. My station. My heart's home. That I will wander, forever a nomad. Alone and afraid. And in my troubled dreams watch you leave, again and again. For the balance of my days.

I Saw Him Again...

I saw him again…
This time he brushed past me…
Making me aware of what I had lost or gained…

I saw him again…
He couldn’t have looked better…
Making me feel worse and even bitterer…

I saw him again…
As if he didn’t recognize…
All the past meetings were just lies…

I saw him again…
Hoping he would utter a word…
And my pain would finally die…

I saw him again…
Making me remind of all the promises he had made…
Leaving them all behind was just his game…

I saw him again…
Promising myself to never think about him…
But am aware will be crying the night away…

Another Day....

Another day has gone
Leaving behind past memories
And yet more to come.
Seems like I’ve been living for ages
As if birds locked in cages
Clinging on to something that is not mine.
Hoping that for once
I will be free from my inner misery.
All seems like a dream
Which cannot be achieved
But still I am in a dilemma
As I lay down and think
What is mine and what is not mine
Strings of sequences
Go past my mind
Making me realize what is
The meaning of life.
Holding my tears back
I keep on visualizing
All things that were sweet
Racing against my heartbeat.
I still find it hard to believe
Those were the things of past
Which seemed so beautiful and chaste.
Not will I once more
Think about them again
Will leave them all behind
And walk into another day
Which is full of light
And dreams untouched
That is gentle and naïve.

Memories

As I cling on to the past
Hoping it would stay…
Trying not to shed a single tear
On the times that were gay…
I keep hearing your footsteps
Wishing you said dear please stay…

As I hold your memories in my heart
Tears fill in my stark eyes…
Telling me the reality
Giving meaning to my sighs…
Making it more difficult to move onAnd accept all the said lies…

Fear

I could feel the overflow of emotions in his heart
Making his heartbeats even more clear.
I longed for him to say something
Trying hard to read his eyes.
Not finding anything in them
As he gazed through me
As if I didn’t exist.
I closed my eyes hoping
He will be there when they’re open
But knowing well that some things weren’t possible.
Trying to race against time I fail to recall
Things were so pure and where did it all go wrong?
Now as I sit lonely amongst the crowd
The fear of deception still lurking in my heart
Feeling wont be possible for me to love again.
I again close my eyes to see what I cant
Hoping my thoughts to get clearer
But again fear of loosing my identity.
My soul cries from within
Ordering me to end this life
And enter a world where feelings are not a game.
I fight against my will
Thinking about God’s beautiful creation
But so torn is my belief as I go on to say
It is difficult for me to live this life in despair
Making it difficult for me to stay.